So look, I have dealt with some pretty shitty people in my life. I don’t think there’s any denying that. But something that I’ve learnt recently is that I really just don’t have it all figured out.
Honestly, I have considered myself pretty switched on and aware of the signs of toxic people and things like emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
But I think I’ve experienced people who are almost unapologetic about it. They’re not necessarily trying very hard to hide it, and they’re not walking around calling themselves a good person.
And that’s just not the reality for a lot of people. And I’ve definitely experienced emotional manipulation in different forms since then. To be incredibly honest, I thought I was just dealing with a difficult person. I knew what they were saying was wrong and unethical, but it didn’t even cross my mind that this behaviour was literally emotional manipulation and abuse.
Real world emotional manipulation can be very draining and emotionally exhausting. And people hide it well for a reason. I know it can definitely leave you questioning yourself and feeling betrayed.
Emotional manipulation doesn’t always look dramatic or obvious. It can be subtle, confusing, and leave you feeling frustrated and hurt.
This post is an honest guide to spotting emotional manipulation in real life. Because often, we pass it off as the person being mean.
What is emotional manipulation in relationships?
Emotional manipulation is when someone uses guilt, control, or confusion to influence your behaviour, usually in a way that benefits them. It’s not always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it looks like subtle guilt trips, making you feel crazy for speaking up, or constantly shifting blame away from themselves.
How can you tell if someone is emotionally manipulating you?
You might start to second-guess your feelings, apologise for things that weren’t your fault, or feel anxious around someone you used to trust. Emotional manipulation often leaves you feeling small, confused, or like you’re constantly “messing up” even when you’re trying your best.
What are some real-life examples of emotional manipulation?
Real-world examples include a parent who guilt-trips you every time you set a boundary, a partner who rewrites the past to make you question your memory, or a friend who only reaches out when they need something but disappears when you need support. It’s often subtle but deeply draining. I have experienced someone constantly bringing up every single past conflict or argument, which they flip onto me. The manipulator never takes any accountability, and makes you forget or question your own value.
Why is emotional manipulation so hard to recognise?
Because it’s often masked as love, concern, or even “jokes.” Especially if the manipulator is someone close to you, like family or a long-time friend, it’s easy to dismiss their behaviour as normal or blame yourself. That’s what makes it so hard to name and call out. And honestly? I think we just don’t want to think the worst of people a lot of the time.
How do you protect yourself from toxic or manipulative people?
Start by listening to how you feel around them. If your nervous system is always on edge, that’s important. Boundaries are essential. You don’t have to cut everyone off immediately, but you can slowly stop giving access to people who make you question your worth or peace.
Is emotional manipulation abuse?
Yes, emotional manipulation can be a form of abuse. Especially when it’s used to control, confuse, or diminish another person. Emotional manipulation is often considered a type of emotional or psychological abuse.
Recognising Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation can be hard to recognise in real life. I think we often don’t want to assume the worst of someone, and want to pass these experiences off as generic conflict or arguments. I also think when it comes to topics like manipulation or abuse, we only want to label it as such in the worst case scenario, because they feel like very heavy terms. And I get it, it’s not something you should go throwing around. But if we don’t allow ourselves to recognise behaviours like emotional manipulation or abuse, we’re not allowing ourselves to heal or move on with our lives.
Emotional manipulation doesn’t always look like yelling or obvious abuse. Things like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behaviour, the silent treatment are all signs of emotional manipulation. Your emotions aren’t something people should play with, and this behaviour isn’t okay. Just because you feel like you can manage it or it “isn’t that big of a deal” doesn’t mean it’s okay. Accepting this behaviour is going to have lasting impacts on your wellbeing, and whether you acknowledge it or not, you’re allowing a pattern of behaviour to feel normal to you.
If someone ever brings up things that are meant specifically to hurt you, maybe they mention a lost loved one, past trauma, or sensitive topic in a way that is spun back on you, that’s a pretty big sign of emotional manipulation. Think about what they’re actually trying to achieve by bringing these things up. Because a lot of the time, they really just want power and to make you feel bad.
Why Emotional Manipulation Feels So Confusing
Emotional manipulation can feel incredibly confusing. You’re often made to question your own reality, feel less than, and forget your worth.
Often, you don’t want to see people in your life as a manipulator. So you kind of make excuses for them and refuse to see the truth.
Sometimes you can find yourself just agreeing with a manipulator to avoid conflict. But having to hear constant criticism can be really confusing, especially when being gaslit or lied to. And there’s actually a lot of psychology that goes into the confusion that you can feel when being gaslit or emotionally manipulated. Reconstructive memory is a psychological concept where we basically remember things differently based on all of our interactions with that memory. So you can’t just recall a memory perfectly, it’s kind of like having a memory of a memory.
So if you have someone in your life constantly changing the story and putting all of the blame on you, you can actually start to forget the truth.
It’s important to reassure yourself and trust your own judgement. Because even when we do stand our ground and know that someone is only saying something to hurt or manipulate us, we can still experience damage to our self-esteem and wellbeing. And sometimes, our confusion can be as simple as wondering why, or feeling hurt that someone we love would even speak like that to begin with.
Common Signs You’re Being Emotionally Manipulated
- You always feel like you’re in the wrong
- You over-explain yourself
- You feel drained or anxious after interactions
- They only show up when it benefits them
- They twist your words or rewrite history
- They are okay with crossing a line to “prove a point”
How Manipulation Continues Toxic Relationships
I think when you have a deadbeat dad, a lot of people bring up toxic relationships. I guess I was a pretty vocal kid, so when I would talk to people about my family problems, they would kind of warn me to be careful about the relationships you get into. So basically, I’ve always been pretty determined not to date some loser.
And that’s great, I didn’t. But, I’ve let these toxic relationships into my life in other ways without realising it. Because I guess a toxic partner is the cliche, but the point is to be careful who you surround yourself with.
Obviously this isn’t to say that toxic partners don’t exist, they definitely do. But toxic relationships can come in all forms, and you want to make sure that you’re not accepting mistreatment because you’ve become used to it.
When we have dealt with manipulation for too long, our understanding of right and wrong can almost be shifted. Kind of like when you tell a friend (usually who has a pretty good family) about your problems and they’re so shocked by everything that you’re not too bothered by. Yeah, it’s because it is shocking. You’re just desensitised to it.
Toxic relationships are relationships that aren’t healthy or productive. They make you feel bad about yourself and can drain your energy. And emotional manipulation can be a real pattern in these kinds of toxic relationships.
How to Start Protecting Yourself From Emotional Manipulation
When it comes to emotional manipulation, protecting yourself can be a difficult process. But this is all about healing and putting boundaries in place so that you don’t have to continue to experience this toxic cycle.
I think it really depends on the severity of the situation and what you know will be best for you at the end of the day. Sometimes you need to focus on shifts like listening to your gut, trusting your feelings, and reminding yourself that discomfort is a valid enough reason to step back. You don’t need proof that someone’s toxic to decide their presence isn’t good for you.
Sometimes protecting yourself means pausing before you respond, and giving yourself permission to make space. Saying “no” without guilt. Or simply acknowledging that something doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t fully explain why yet. It’s all about acknowledging that the behaviour isn’t okay and not giving it the power to deeply affect you.
But sometimes, it also means being honest with yourself about the role someone plays in your life. Are you constantly anxious around them? Do you feel drained after every interaction? Do you leave conversations second-guessing your worth? Those are signs that your energy and wellbeing is being affected, which is not okay. Sometimes, it might be better to cut someone off, even if they’re family. It’s up to you and your gut instinct, and what is going to give you the space to heal. With some people you will learn that you need more distance in your relationship, maybe you only see them at family gatherings or you just don’t hang out as often anymore. But it is totally okay and valid to cut someone off completely. I have had to do it too.
You’re allowed to protect your peace, even if it disappoints someone else. You don’t owe anyone a relationship just because they’re family, or because you’ve known them forever. The truth is, you can love someone and still recognise that the version of them in your life right now is not safe for your mental health.
Protecting yourself is not a betrayal of others. It’s a commitment to yourself.
When It’s Time to Walk Away
Walking away or cutting off someone is never an easy decision. It can be both the hardest and most important decision that you make to take care of yourself, your mental health, and your wellbeing.
But sometimes, that’s exactly why it’s so important. You can’t change a person. And if they’re okay with being emotionally manipulative or abusive, that’s a pretty deep problem they have with themselves that isn’t just going to “go away”.
Honestly, I have cut off a major family member before with full intentions of repairing our relationship in a few months. I stopped talking to my dad because I was so emotionally drained and just needed a break, but then realised how much better off I was without him. And honestly, the process of cutting someone off can be really draining. A lot of people can really take this time to lash out at you. Maybe they blow up your phone or try to impact your relationship with shared friends or family members. And this is really hard. It’s a horrible experience that no one should have to go through. All it does is illustrate to you why it’s so important not to have this toxic person in your life.
It’s time to walk away when the relationship consistently costs more than it gives. When your boundaries are ignored, your pain is dismissed, or the cycle of manipulation never changes, no matter how many chances you give. You don’t need to wait for things to get worse to justify protecting your peace.
At the end of the day it’s about how a relationship makes you feel. But some specific signs that you need to walk away include:
- You feel worse after being around them
- Their presence makes you feel anxious or upset
- They don’t respect your boundaries
- You feel like you’re constantly needing to defend yourself
- They don’t take accountability or always shift blame
- They make you feel responsible for their emotions or outbursts
- Your mental health and wellbeing improves when you’re not around them
- You wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from anyone else.
Sometimes, letting go is the most powerful boundary you can set. And yes, it’s hard. It can feel lonely. But walking away from what’s been hurting you opens the door to rebuilding your sense of safety, trust, and self-worth.
Emotional manipulation can be incredibly confusing, damaging, and emotionally exhausting. It is so important to recognise emotional manipulation, because sometimes it doesn’t appear to be “that bad”. But it is that bad, we just don’t realise at the time.
As someone who has had a pretty rough upbringing and family life, it probably is the emotional manipulation that has had some of the worst impacts on my wellbeing. It can be incredibly hard to heal from, because it makes you question your own belief system.
Recognising emotional manipulation can be really difficult. We tend to ignore major red flags thinking that the person is just difficult or being mean. But it’s important that we’re able to identify emotional manipulation in the real world, because not everything is clear cut.
As someone who had experienced emotional manipulation in the past, I really thought I had it all figured out and wouldn’t be affected by it again. But the truth is emotional manipulation comes in many forms, and the behaviour that we have already normalised can make this manipulation feel less intense.
It’s important that you protect yourself and your mental wellbeing. And healing from emotional manipulation is something that we don’t talk about enough. Because reality is, there isn’t enough support. So as hard and unfair as it is, I think it can be really important to be your own advocate and be aware of toxic behaviour and how it impacts you.
