I genuinely don’t like my dad (shocking, right?). Growing up we always had a difficult relationship and I used to dream about turning 18 so I didn’t have to go to his house. Well turns out I actually cut him off at 15, and am still no contact with my father to this day.
And look, I know this is a bit taboo. Cutting off a toxic person, especially a parent or family member can often be portrayed as an “overreaction”. But going no contact with a toxic person can be a difficult but necessary decision.
The process can be really hard and emotionally exhausting, but it takes a lot of bravery and resilience to choose prioritising yourself. More than 5 years later, I’m so grateful that I stood up for myself. I’ve found a lot of benefit from the space between my toxic father and I. Because when I gave myself time to heal, I found my mental health and wellbeing becoming a lot better overall.
I’ve learnt some powerful lessons along the way, that have shaped my stability, self-worth, and overall wellbeing. I want to take you through these lessons today because I really wish there were more resources and online discourse when I was struggling. And even if I didn’t have to learn these lessons the hard way, I think we can all benefit from learning to prioritise our self-worth and wellbeing a bit more.
What is a deadbeat dad?
A deadbeat dad is a father who doesn’t take responsibility for his children. Deadbeat dads are often emotionally or financially absent, unreliable, and unsupportive.
Look the name of my blog is “Deadbeat Daughters”, and what I mean by that is we really are just girls trying to make our way through life. I think growing up with a deadbeat dad was a big learning curve for me, where I had to understand independence and learn to prioritise myself from a very early age. And deadbeat dads can be selfish, financially driven, and just straight up horrible. Deadbeat Daughters is about prioritising yourself and your financial wellbeing in a healthy way. Because being able to travel, or buy a house, pretty much just making the most of your life does require some self prioritisation.
2. Is it okay to cut off a toxic parent?
It is absolutely okay to cut off a toxic parent. Choosing mental, emotional, and financial stability over ties to your toxic parents or family members is valid and healthy. Toxic relationships, including those with family members, can have profoundly negative impacts on your overall wellbeing.
3. How do toxic family relationships affect your stability and well-being?
Toxic family relationships can significantly disrupt both emotional and psychological stability. Individuals involved in such dynamics often experience chronic stress, anxiety, and depression. These unhealthy interactions can erode self-esteem, leading to feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy. Over time, the constant criticism, manipulation, and emotional turmoil associated with toxic relationships can create lasting psychological wounds, making it challenging to form healthy relationships outside the family.
Cutting Off My Deadbeat Dad | 8 Lessons in Stability, Financial Wellbeing & Healing
Lesson 1 – Stability is The Most Valuable Gift You Can Give Yourself
When you’re young, your sense of security is largely dependent on your parents, and even the support of your parents as you become a young adult. Coming from an unstable childhood home, I valued nothing more than finding financial, emotional, and even housing stability.
Stability isn’t just about doing the same thing everyday. It’s confidence and comfort knowing that you have set yourself up with strong support systems and financial independence. This is still something I continue to work towards everyday.
When your housing, finances, relationships, even your sense of worth is dependant on an unstable or irresponsible person, you can really be left feeling like collateral damage. No one should have the power to compromise your stability, so ensure you are setting up strong support systems and working towards financial independence.
This can look like:
- Setting up an emergency fund
- Educating yourself on financial wellbeing
- Working towards a stable income
- Putting energy into maintaining quality friendships and relationships
Check out my post on financial wellbeing if you would like more details on setting yourself up financially!
Lesson 2 – It’s Okay to Cut Off Toxic People – Even Family
The whole unconditional family loyalty thing is all well and good if you actually have a decent family. But for a lot of us, this isn’t realistic.
Deciding to cut off, or go no contact with a toxic family member or deadbeat dad can be a difficult decision to make. But if you know that it will benefit your wellbeing and mental health, it might be for the best. Walking away from a toxic family member can often be an act of self-preservation, not rudeness.
And this is the case in all of your relationships: you deserve peace. It is important to prioritise yourself and your boundaries, whether it be friends, family members, or romantic partners.
Lesson 3 – Self-Worth Is Intrinsic
Growing up with a toxic parent can really warp your self-perception. I found myself feeling lost, and at times even unsure of what I actually valued.
Realising that your worth has nothing to do with how others treat you is so important for your self-worth.
Learning to validate yourself without external approval is another important step in developing strong, intrinsic self-worth. Personally, I feel as though I developed my intrinsic self-worth through establishing strong support systems that I can really seek comfort in. Additionally, things like practicing positive self-talk have really helped me develop my intrinsic self-worth.
Lesson 4 – Self Care Means Taking Care of Your Finances Too
I think self care is an incredibly important part of the healing process. But I think we can get a bit mixed up in the fun side of self care, where we have bubble baths and spoil ourselves a little. And don’t get me wrong, I am the biggest advocate for a good pamper night. But genuinely taking care of yourself is a bit more direct than that. Your financial wellbeing is so important to ensure you are taking care of yourself and your future.
Learning how to budget, save, and invest are all apart of building your financial independence. This really is the ultimate form of self care and self respect.
Lesson 5 – Prioritise Yourself
Watching my deadbeat dad prioritise himself over my siblings and I constantly growing up was really difficult for me.
But here’s the deal, you can definitely prioritise yourself in a healthy way. This just wasn’t what I saw from my father, and I’ve noticed it’s the same for many toxic people.
I’ve learnt to prioritise myself in a positive way, like protecting my peace, setting boundaries, and making decisions based on my wellbeing. And honestly, prioritising yourself sets a great standard for how you expect to be treated by friends, family, or romantic partners.
Remember, healthy self-prioritisation ≠ selfishness.
Lesson 6 – Healing is Active, Not Passive
Time and distance definitely can help the healing process, but you can’t just “wait it out”. Healing from a toxic parent or family member can be a really emotionally exhausting experience, and isn’t as simple as a healing from something like a breakup.
It does suck, but you do actually need to put the work in.
Taking an active approach to the healing process can look like:
- Therapy
- Journalling
- Developing support networks
- Physical Exercise
- Creating space to process your emotions
Lesson 7 – People Don’t Always Have Good Intentions
It can be really hard to come to terms with the idea that some people—including parents—might not have your best interests at heart. Let’s be real, some people can be pretty horrible. Cutting off my toxic dad taught me that there might not be a specific reason or person at fault for my poor relationship with my dad. Sometimes, people just don’t have good intentions.
Learning to spot red flags and protect yourself early can really help. But at the end of the day, I think accepting that you can’t get along with everyone is the most important take away. There is no need to blame yourself or go back on the boundaries you have put in place to protect yourself.
Lesson 8 – It’s Okay Not to Forgive Or Forget
I’ve stopped explaining myself to people when I’m getting questioned on why my father is no longer in my life. Because the people who really push back on this tend to be the people who will just never get it. They will also always be the people who preach forgiveness.
But in a lot of situations, this just isn’t helpful. I have not forgiven my father, and I definitely still hold a bit of resentment towards him.
I think that holding resentment can serve as a bit of a reminder as to why you keep firm boundaries with certain people. Because a lot of people can get stuck in a toxic cycle of constantly allowing negative people back into their lives.
Forgiveness is optional; boundaries are non-negotiable.
Cutting off toxic people isn’t about anger or revenge—it’s about reclaiming your stability, peace, and future.
This is a process that I really wish I didn’t have to be involved in. But sometimes, going no contact is our only option. But I’m proud of myself for getting through the process while staying true to myself and my values.
